Beauty Head-to-Toe
(Content Warning: body consciousness, sexual assault)
I was pole-thin until I hit puberty in the 6th grade. At 11 years old, I was oblivious to the pace at which my straight lines were becoming curves. Then one day, a couple of frenemies pulled me aside to tell me there was a rumor going around school that I stuffed my bra. I felt embarrassed and ashamed.
On that day, my body became a prison. I was hyper-aware of my figure—the way it was looked at, spoken about, and touched. I noticed how with each change, people treated me differently. At age 14, boys who made fun of me in middle school became friendly.
At 15, grown men (who I made aware of my age) pursued me. The arrival of my booty and hips at 16 caused more attention, admiration, and harassment. At 24, I experienced sexual assault; I blamed my body for my trauma and gained 35 pounds that summer. That weight gain inspired me to join a gym and hire a personal trainer; three years later, that trainer became my husband.
After years of intentional healing—therapy, vulnerability, healthy intimacy, motherhood, and spiritual life coaching—I am starting to feel free in my body again. The first step to freedom was releasing the weight of the trauma of my assault from my body. I spoke of this trauma one night during an Emotional Emancipation Circle--the facilitator, Erika Totten, took us to a nearby park to scream into the trees. About a month later, I went from a size 10 to size 6.
The next step was gaining an appreciation for my face. My curves brought so much attention over the years that I thought that was all I had to offer. At age 35, I learned that I am beautiful from head to toe. One night, my husband reunited with a childhood friend and brought the friend back to our home to meet me. His friend took one glance at me and gasped: “Oh my God, you are so pretty!” Something in me shifted that night; the next time I looked in the mirror, I loved everything I saw.
Now, at age 37, I am coming out of my shell and openly loving my body. I know I will never return to the freedom I felt before puberty. However, I am experiencing a new kind of liberation where I no longer view my body as a prison but as an achievement. This body has survived and carried trauma, healed, birthed and nursed a child, felt tremendous pleasure and pain, and transformed many a time. This body is Black, Nigerian, smooth, soft, sexy, and imperfect. The reverence I feel for myself on the inside shows on my skin--I glow now.
I no longer care what strangers think about my curves. I appreciate respectful compliments, but they cannot compare to the positive thoughts I now have when I look in the mirror. Finally, I love what I see from head to toe.
