Mirrors

“You present well.” -My therapist, to me


Vivien Leigh playing Blanche DuBois in the film adaptation of A Streetcar Named Desire



My Linklater voice professor in college shared a story about when she played the character, Blanche DuBois, from Tennessee Williams’ A Streetcar Named Desire. To get into character, she imagined that she was always surrounded by mirrors, constantly checking her reflection and adjusting herself to maintain an image. And I thought, “Wait...I do that!”

“I’m so self-conscious” - Kanye West

I have been this way for as long as I can remember—exceedingly aware of how others see me and how I see myself. I was raised to show up in the world in this way. In Yoruba culture, reputation is everything; my siblings and I knew not to behave in ways that would reflect poorly on our parents. And I’ve carried that with me; as I’ve gotten older, the focus shifted from protecting my parents’ reputation to maintaining my own. I never wanted to be caught slippin’. My philosophy was, and still is: "If you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready."

When I was a little girl, my father taught me that being dark-skinned and Black and female meant that I would be constantly looked, passed, and screwed over. So to counteract the mistreatment I would undoubtedly receive, I turned up my self-consciousness. If I could predict how I’m viewed, I can control the outcome, right? Pshhhh…..

Self-consciousness sits on my shoulders like bra straps. Sometimes the weight of it hurts my back. Intellectually, I know that I cannot control how people treat me based on how I present. But anecdotally, I know that people treat me so much better when I put effort into my appearance. Reflecting back on times when I was too depressed to put effort into my outward appearance, I remember feeling invisible when I went out. In those times, I was reduced to bodily features (i.e. “Damn! Look at that ass!”) rather than being respected as a whole person. It has proven true that the more groomed and dressed up I am, the nicer people are to me. Does that niceness work to my advantage? Absolutely. That’s how privilege works. 

I am just recently recognizing that privilege in action since I could not see it in the past when friends pointed it out. It turns out my self-consciousness birthed a pattern of self-critique. I foresaw all of my flaws that others could point out, making the mirrors surrounding me foggy. The foggy mirrors led to a skewed perception of my beauty. In my mind, I was working extra hard to look average. Today, I see that ain’t nothin’ average about me.

I am still surrounded by invisible mirrors. I’ve recently become a content creator, which means that I see photos and videos of myself daily. It's fascinating when I don't appear the way I imagined I would on camera. The people who engage with my content online are also mirrors, only they talk back. So are my loved ones; their feedback keeps me grounded. The mirrors that surround me are now kind and affirming. I smile at my reflection now.

Farah Lawal Harris

Farah Lawal Harris is an artist and breast cancer survivor who inspires people to overcome obstacles and be well. Through vulnerable storytelling, writing, and theatre, Farah makes people feel less alone and more able to tap into their personal power to be their best, creative selves.

https://www.farahlawalharris.com
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